forced

Ever notice how much trying to be someone you're not, do what you think others expect of you, or just not really being yourself in so many ways, can just flat wear you out emotionally?

Life, all by itself, can both re-fill and drain your emotional gas tank.  The day to day challenges, highs and lows, successes and failures, all can use energy.

Wonder why it seems most people aren't really just being themselves?  They find one behavior that seems to get them some "payoff", as Dr. Phil would say, so they incorporate it into themselves, like duct-taping some part on that just wasn't meant to fit or be there.  After a while, it becomes baggage.

I've found that dealing with those with relational issues, like co-dependency, poor self esteem, etc., well, there just is no solution.  I would imagine even professionals in the psychology and psychiatric fields have a really hard time effecting change without it sapping their emotional energy.  For me, I just found I could not change them.  Usually could not even get them to accept or acknowledge my way of seeing things as an alternative.  So I found I could either continue banging my head against that brick wall, or just keep my mouth shut and look the other way when the perverted behaviors were taking place.  I guess I could pray for them, or me.  for them to see my side for a change, or for me to see theirs better or see another solution maybe I/we hadn't thought of.

Life....not for the weak of heart...

Boy, sometimes it feels like one can't win for losing. That pendulum in life swings both ways, sometimes things come easy, blessings abound, and life is good. then it swings the other way, and the weight on one's shoulders, aka mind, can be overwhelming.

At a time when finding a routine, and blending a family into a family is most important, so many other things are squeezed in that sometimes everything gets lost in the melee, and it gets really hard to tell which way is up. If it was just 'small stuff', that would be one thing. Throw in all those small things, and add a healthy heaping of emotions, loss of a steady income, the climb to get a new business off the ground and profitable to replace that lost income, drop in emergency surgery and weeks where one's body doesn't have a clue what's going on. Sprinkle in the rollercoaster ride that raising a 16-year old is, compounded by very differing views on how to prepare her for life after high school, and the result can put any tornado or hurricane to shame. Emotions spike, nerves wear down and get raw, get mentally worn out, and its a recipe for fireworks and reacting to things normally we wouldn't, saying things that just come out wrong and hurt others, cutting to the heart sometimes.

yeah, the pendulum is on the opposite side of where it's been for me the last few years, and its not fun right now. and the only real relief is to know, and let, God have it, knowing he and only he can take care of the things we can't. So much that's going on right now, I can't do anything about. A helpless feeling, for sure. And a very lonely one. But hopeful.

followup to Jan 20 blog

from historic day, its gone to a really bad omen for the USA. Obama's managed to set things in motion that can bring the whole country down. compromised values. bowed down to a Saudi ruler - how low can he go? Hate to be pessimistic, but so far, for the billions spent, we have zip to show for it. Haven't seen anything good come out of his administration yet, and don't really expect to.

hope God chooses to intercede on the part of all the true Christians in the USA and saves us from the liberality of a muslim...because hell could be right around the corner otherwise.

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

What a historic day. Can't help but feel America has turned a corner, and hope it's a good corner. The first black president, one associated at least somewhat with Islam and questionable religions and churches.

Hope, and concerns, only time will prove which were justified.

there is life....out there

and she is in the form of the cutest, and most beautiful woman I have ever met. A radiant smile that melts me like crayolas in the summer sun in Texas, eyes beyond belief. Warm, loving, cheerful, happy, and most of all, fun! Mix in sexy, fiesty, smart, playful....

Proof, once again, that sometimes we have to go thru the hard things and difficult times to get to the good stuff that God has for us. Sometimes, it can take a few years, as it has with me. But I know, the years ahead will be the best ever.

There really is life out there, and it truly can be abundant! So never give up hope, never give up on yourself or life or God.

Women...the unsolvable mystery

women. enough said. arguably the most mysterious creatures God ever created. proof he has a sense of humor, and that he loves a challenge. About the time a man thinks he has them figured out, they change. or change the rules. or make a u-turn and leave him in the dust emotionally.

women are the most valuable treasure a man can ever find. No way to solve the riddle of how they think, why they do the things they do, how they can come from out of the blue with things. Every size, every shape, every kind of temperament and personality. The persona of a truly loving God's true loving nature. to be cherished, loved, protected, fought for, and held in awe.

They put the awesomeness, and depth, and fulfillment in lovemaking.

The things we do to feel….

As I’ve written on this and other blogs, it’s been a real struggle in developing good, healthy, give and take relationships with women who have been victimized by a man’s abuse, whether verbal/emotional, physical, or sexual. The wounds in their tender hearts are deep, and painful. No longer feeling worthy, or important, or even respectable or lovable, I’m sure they are grasping for anything that will heal this wound to the soul. Sometimes kids, more usually the grandkids can provide it even better, the unconditional love these battered women can find is the only thing that gives them reason to go on. Must be so easy to be absorbed in that, immersed in the loving salve of the grandkids, and to lose one’s self. Away from the deepest pain in her heart. Its not hard to understand, any more, why this happens.

The message in church today opened my eyes to a lot of things. One, that it was out of my own pain of failed relationships, deepest hurt a human can feel….and out of a misguided understanding of God’s word, that I’ve destroyed two relationships now, ended any chance they might have had to develop, for the healing to take place in both of us. I thought I was right in how I handled things, for the most part, or more that I was justified in standing firm in the ways I did, but I was sadly wrong. God showed me, that my actions were from selfishness. Yes, selfish in wanting to feel needed, wanting to know I could be loved, wanted to get past the pain, and yes, selfish enough to want to manipulate things to gain those things. I gained a glimpse into two women’s beautiful, gentle hearts, enough that both made me sit back in awe that God had created something so wonderful, so deeply amazing and wonderful as these loving hearts. And we all lost, lost it all. Lost the chance to gain something God had opened the door to, because of my stupid actions. Lost relationships that could have been the deepest, the richest, the fullest. But lost.

God, please continue to tear down the walls inside my heart, open my understanding and give me wisdom, so that I never, ever, hurt another woman like that again. Help me to love and appreciate them the way that you do, and to let them be the women you made them to be.