As I’ve written on this and other blogs, it’s been a real struggle in developing good, healthy, give and take relationships with women who have been victimized by a man’s abuse, whether verbal/emotional, physical, or sexual. The wounds in their tender hearts are deep, and painful. No longer feeling worthy, or important, or even respectable or lovable, I’m sure they are grasping for anything that will heal this wound to the soul. Sometimes kids, more usually the grandkids can provide it even better, the unconditional love these battered women can find is the only thing that gives them reason to go on. Must be so easy to be absorbed in that, immersed in the loving salve of the grandkids, and to lose one’s self. Away from the deepest pain in her heart. Its not hard to understand, any more, why this happens.
The message in church today opened my eyes to a lot of things. One, that it was out of my own pain of failed relationships, deepest hurt a human can feel….and out of a misguided understanding of God’s word, that I’ve destroyed two relationships now, ended any chance they might have had to develop, for the healing to take place in both of us. I thought I was right in how I handled things, for the most part, or more that I was justified in standing firm in the ways I did, but I was sadly wrong. God showed me, that my actions were from selfishness. Yes, selfish in wanting to feel needed, wanting to know I could be loved, wanted to get past the pain, and yes, selfish enough to want to manipulate things to gain those things. I gained a glimpse into two women’s beautiful, gentle hearts, enough that both made me sit back in awe that God had created something so wonderful, so deeply amazing and wonderful as these loving hearts. And we all lost, lost it all. Lost the chance to gain something God had opened the door to, because of my stupid actions. Lost relationships that could have been the deepest, the richest, the fullest. But lost.
God, please continue to tear down the walls inside my heart, open my understanding and give me wisdom, so that I never, ever, hurt another woman like that again. Help me to love and appreciate them the way that you do, and to let them be the women you made them to be.
Sunday, June 22, 2008
New Beginnings......?
Kind of a double entendre, isn't it? Both inspiring thoughts of things not seen before, different than things of the past.
Thought I had found a new beginning in a relationship, thought it had to be of God, how out of nowhere that it came. Out of Louisiana, of all places. For those of you who know me, I do inventories, and I hate going to the state of Louisiana, for many reasons. Oh, the people are fine, friendly, and all that. Just little hope of them ever getting better, of caring, and so forth.
So many things with this chance meeting. Was the first person who spoke to me at the location, was my age, single, had been praying God would bring someone into her life, too, that would love her and treat her as she wanted to be treated. Same for me. Hit it off and had a fun week with her. Enjoyed a dinner out the last night. Nothing else, just ate, talked, took her back home.
But then, the same old signs of hiding from abuse began to appear. Had all the time in the world to visit her kids and grandkids (gk's). felt like it was one major imposition to ask or suggest she spend some of her time with me. Finally did get a day with her, and we had a great time. For those playing the blame game or pointing fingers, no, no sex.
Think it scared her, as it so often seems to scare previously abused women, that I treated her like a gentleman as my grandfather had taught me to be. Showed her respect, listened to her.
Long story short, she withdrew for some reason, communications were cut off without explanations, then a couple of things that should have been insignificant were said, both ways, and with no communications, things were assumed, things were blown way out of proportion, and she'd not give me the time of day for us to talk things out, see where both had gone wrong.
New beginnings….maybe realizing all that seems to have every sign as being from God, isn't, always? A wakening, or re-awakening, of reality? Reality setting in?
New beginnings….knowing the relationship before that one should have, and still could be, the one to end all relationships, the best either of us could ever dream of, hope for, want, desire?
New beginnings….coming face to face that at my age, 53, maybe this is all it will ever be. Just me and Bear, as long as he lives, and he's not a young pup any more. Realizing that the loneliness is something I should just learn to accept as an everyday companion? I sure hope not. Heard a quote a few days ago, something like this…. The greatest tragedy in life, is what dies within a man as he still lives. Really sad to think about that, to think of dying with one's music still inside, but seems to be more real today than yesterday.
We think of new beginnings, and think of the sun coming up on a new day, shining thru clouds, filling growing things with life and beauty and growth.
Maybe, sadly, it's not new beginnings at all, but the long, slow journey of opportunities lost, a trek towards sunset….of gray clouds before a mild gentle rain
Wouldn't it be great...
to find someone who just enjoyed having fun. was happy with who they are, and thus easily accepting of others as they are. to find someone with character....and spunk.....and a personality all their own and not afraid to be themselves.....fiesty and competitive in fun ways, yet gentle and loving and compassionate when those times are needed. passionate, about her life, about all of life, and towards her man. tender, yet strong. loving, but having the ability to hold herself and others accountable. free, to be everything she is, and to let the beauty of her soul, as God made her, flow out to a world that needs her so desperately.....
I pray that one day, I can find a woman such as this, and that I can be the man that God intended me to be and for her to be with, and together, we can fulfill this life as he meant us to. With perseverance, and with God as my pilot, I will. You can, too.
of the country, firearms, and loving life as it is to me
Today, and days leading up to today, is a new mindset, a freedom-inspiring one. Letting go of that which the past few years has succeeded in dragging me down, sometimes feeling as if for the last time, and living today for what it is, thus begins the new journey. Back, to familiar grounds of letting myself just be me, no worries, acceptance that I am a pretty good guy, with a number of good qualities and characteristics, and plenty to give to the right woman.
How easy it is to give up in sacrifice many of those things we like to do, some of which make us who we are. They're the salt of our own lives, the life, the emotion, the passion, the wants and desires and needs, all bundled together that make us who we are. So easy to let go of those things, with the mistaken idea that by doing so, we'll be even better for the one who is most significant in our lives at the time.
Have brought to reality again my enjoyment of the sport of shooting. Target shooting, plinking as some might call it, potentially leading to the thrill of competition.... Have always loved shooting. Used to have a great Winchester .22 rifle that I had a blast with. Not so much into hunting, mainly because of little opportunity, or maybe higher priorities elsewhere. But getting back into shooting, and firearms, and seeing how much I can get out of myself, how good I can become,whether terrible and thus do it just for fun, or a marksman, who cares, I love it. It's me. Blue jeans, flannel shirts, camo shirts, boots....yep.
So subtly, and easily, we drift from the things in life that are the very fiber of who we are.
How easy it is to give up in sacrifice many of those things we like to do, some of which make us who we are. They're the salt of our own lives, the life, the emotion, the passion, the wants and desires and needs, all bundled together that make us who we are. So easy to let go of those things, with the mistaken idea that by doing so, we'll be even better for the one who is most significant in our lives at the time.
Have brought to reality again my enjoyment of the sport of shooting. Target shooting, plinking as some might call it, potentially leading to the thrill of competition.... Have always loved shooting. Used to have a great Winchester .22 rifle that I had a blast with. Not so much into hunting, mainly because of little opportunity, or maybe higher priorities elsewhere. But getting back into shooting, and firearms, and seeing how much I can get out of myself, how good I can become,whether terrible and thus do it just for fun, or a marksman, who cares, I love it. It's me. Blue jeans, flannel shirts, camo shirts, boots....yep.
So subtly, and easily, we drift from the things in life that are the very fiber of who we are.
TUESDAY, OCTOBER 16, 2007
Am on vacation today, actually all this week. Had wished I could have spent at least some of it with a close friend, but ah and alas, was not to be. Pulling myself out of the dark emotional hole I've been in for a long time, the biggest challenge to me this week is not letting thoughts of sadness and loneliness mess up my vacation and fun time. Feeling the victim again of that super-codependent grandma complex seems like so many single women my age get themselves lost in or mired in. So far, so good, have had a lot of fun just going and doing.
Bought myself a pistol yesterday, even though in all my life I've only shot a pistol one time. I was able to get the guy at the gun shop to show me how to load and shoot, and to break it down to clean, without being too embarrassed. Kinda anxious about not looking like a 52-yr old rookie at the shooting range today. Got it mostly just for fun, for target shooting, maybe competition at some point in the future, and protection. Can't believe how light the gun is.
Been spending my time so far just going and doing whatever I wanted to, when I wanted to, making tentative plans but totally flexible. Getting up when I wanted....and boy, has it been fun so far. I think we all need to do this, take some downtime just to recharge our batteries. Not a family vacation or a highly structured time, just personal downtime, doing what some would see as selfishly absorbing themselves in things they want to do, not worrying about anyone else for those few days. In this insane out of control hurry-hurry-hurry world we live in, seems like if I don't do that, I really starting getting rough around the edges.
So here's to being selfish sometimes, to recharging, to getting back in touch with the things that make me who I am, and a person who he/she is!
Bought myself a pistol yesterday, even though in all my life I've only shot a pistol one time. I was able to get the guy at the gun shop to show me how to load and shoot, and to break it down to clean, without being too embarrassed. Kinda anxious about not looking like a 52-yr old rookie at the shooting range today. Got it mostly just for fun, for target shooting, maybe competition at some point in the future, and protection. Can't believe how light the gun is.
Been spending my time so far just going and doing whatever I wanted to, when I wanted to, making tentative plans but totally flexible. Getting up when I wanted....and boy, has it been fun so far. I think we all need to do this, take some downtime just to recharge our batteries. Not a family vacation or a highly structured time, just personal downtime, doing what some would see as selfishly absorbing themselves in things they want to do, not worrying about anyone else for those few days. In this insane out of control hurry-hurry-hurry world we live in, seems like if I don't do that, I really starting getting rough around the edges.
So here's to being selfish sometimes, to recharging, to getting back in touch with the things that make me who I am, and a person who he/she is!
into the fog....
today. a beautiful blue-sky Tuesday. hard not to smile, and enjoy the simple beauty God placed all around us.
got to leave work early today, around 10am. a kidney stone was in the process of knocking the wind right out of this tough old Texan, so instead of being pained at work, I left, drove home. halfway there, must have gone on with its journey.
at other times in my life, there would have been a loving wife to make sure I was ok. to fix dinner when she got home. to make me comfortable, and give me something to love and smile about. other times, a girlfriend would have filled that role. not today.
the world I've hit head-on is more a world of socially independently lonely people. wanting company, wanting friends, but too much hurt, too much baggage from the past to allow them to find that. I know that fog-shrouded ghost of a past. God, what a mess we've made of this world, of our lives.
Wondered. If I was to ever really become ill, and pass away suddenly, like in my sleep, how long would it take before anyone really noticed me gone. how long before someone cared enough to expend the energy to come check on me. Not a very happy or pleasant or reassuring thought, for sure.
Oh, I know, and believe that there's still someone out there for me. That whether or not she has family, would open her arms and her life to having me as her companion. To share all of her life with, including family times.
Read somewhere the top 5 needs women have are affection, conversation, honesty and openness, financial support, and a commitment to family. Funny how those fit what I want to share and give, too. every one. to me, those make life great.
Ever heard the phrase "he died with his music still inside"?
got to leave work early today, around 10am. a kidney stone was in the process of knocking the wind right out of this tough old Texan, so instead of being pained at work, I left, drove home. halfway there, must have gone on with its journey.
at other times in my life, there would have been a loving wife to make sure I was ok. to fix dinner when she got home. to make me comfortable, and give me something to love and smile about. other times, a girlfriend would have filled that role. not today.
the world I've hit head-on is more a world of socially independently lonely people. wanting company, wanting friends, but too much hurt, too much baggage from the past to allow them to find that. I know that fog-shrouded ghost of a past. God, what a mess we've made of this world, of our lives.
Wondered. If I was to ever really become ill, and pass away suddenly, like in my sleep, how long would it take before anyone really noticed me gone. how long before someone cared enough to expend the energy to come check on me. Not a very happy or pleasant or reassuring thought, for sure.
Oh, I know, and believe that there's still someone out there for me. That whether or not she has family, would open her arms and her life to having me as her companion. To share all of her life with, including family times.
Read somewhere the top 5 needs women have are affection, conversation, honesty and openness, financial support, and a commitment to family. Funny how those fit what I want to share and give, too. every one. to me, those make life great.
Ever heard the phrase "he died with his music still inside"?
the search for true intimacy.....
9/30/07 – Sunday morning. Nice morning, mostly lightly overcast, cool.
An introspective and thoughtful day for me. Ever have those, where you just wake up, and things seem more clear and lucid than other days? Where thinking thru things just comes so easily?
I’m there. I’m 52 years old, not old, not young, but full of a lot of living yet to come. I can do many things alone and derive some amount of pleasure from them, and that’s ok. But for me, personally, my dream right now, the one thing that would make my life full and satisfying, would be to find a woman who I truly “connect” with. That it feels so natural to wake up next to, to go thru every one of my days with, a woman I’d have no insecurities about, knowing we were together because we chose to be, and knowing we were going to be together all the tomorrows of our lives. No, I don’t expect, or even really want her to be exactly like me. I kinda like a feisty yet fun woman, one who has a mind of her own. One who has definite likes and dislikes, is ok when we’re together or when we do things alone that maybe the other doesn’t enjoy. One who isn’t afraid to voice her wants, her desires, her likes or dislikes, her opinions. One who gives me a different perspective on things than just my own.
In that search these last 7 years of singleness after two failed marriages, if you took the sample of women I’ve gotten to know in many ways, and extrapolated that out as if it was representative of all the available single female population around my age, 99.8% would have been physically, sexually, or emotionally/verbally abused, and 98% would have lost themselves, merging their thoughts, needs, and lives into those of the kids, but more usually their grandkids. Living vicariously thru them? Maybe. Hiding? Very possibly. Avoiding the pain, the deepest emotional pain many have suffered? Yes. In this world of labels and acronyms, could refer to it as the gramma complex, to look at it as if directed "at" the women. or the grandpa complex, to refer to the man's loss of attention from a woman, victim of the abusiveness in the world today.
I’m not one of those abusive men, not one who has ever struck a woman, nor verbally or emotionally battered or harangued God's greatest gift to man. Never have been, and I don’t ever see myself changing in such a sick way. It has been an eye-opening last 7 years, and I’ve had to scramble to read everything I could on abuse – the nature of it, the cycles it goes thru, the escapes, the fallout, the results on people’s lives. I’ve learned more about codependency in the last 2 or 3 years than in the entire previous 50 years. And thru all of this, have uncovered some issues in my own life, and have found a love and appreciation so much deeper for women than ever before. Learning to really let God deal with me, turning my issues over to him, and realizing only he could remove the venom of these things from my life has mellowed me more than anything in my life.
I can’t imagine how so many men could abuse so many women, the women they’re supposed to love and cherish. It escapes me, blows me away, the massive scale this damage has occurred on.
I can understand why so many women, grandmothers now, really do meld their lives into their grandkids'. I hate that that happens, and wish I could find a woman who didn’t feel like that was what they really wanted. I’m guessing its fear that keeps them shielded, hidden.
In the meantime, loneliness has grown to be a daily companion. Hopes of finding a woman to truly share my life with and me hers, they’re still very much there, as is the wondering if that’s even in the realm of reality any more in this screwed up time we live in. I keep going back to the knowledge that thru God, anything is possible.
Today, had a new realization, or question, arise. Where are all the single men in my age range? What do the others do for companionship? What have they found in their search for one to love and share a life with? Is it similar, or totally different, than my experiences? Maybe there should be a support group, for men who find themselves discarded and single after 50, or 40. kinda sad, how men don’t form the kinds of friendships women do, a network that can keep one going when he gets down and discouraged and loses hope. A bunch of guys to go bowling with, golf with, have a beer with, whatever one’s interests are.
Life can be really hard sometimes. Lonely. Distant. I miss the good times, the laughter, the fun times. I'm sad. sad that so many women have suffered as they have, needlessly. sad, that so many men have failed to see what they could have had, but instead destroyed. sad, that because of other's shortsidedness and insensitivity, that I lose.
What's humility?
It's not being one serving sacrificingly to others, a poor beaten down, walked on martyr. Humility is seeing ourselves as God sees us. He created us perfectly. But we get to where we get in life, not on our own, but like the turtle on the fencepost, we got where we are only with help from others.
It's being honest with ourselves, realizing we all have our compensating balances - good points about ourselves, balanced by areas we're not so strong in. yes, we ALL have these balances, none excluded that I've found.
Humility is realizing God gave us the skills we have, and being thankful for them and using them, knowing we did nothing to deserve those skills. And if we seek God's help, we can even build on these strengths and increase them.
Humility is realizing we are no better, no worse, than anyone else.
An introspective and thoughtful day for me. Ever have those, where you just wake up, and things seem more clear and lucid than other days? Where thinking thru things just comes so easily?
I’m there. I’m 52 years old, not old, not young, but full of a lot of living yet to come. I can do many things alone and derive some amount of pleasure from them, and that’s ok. But for me, personally, my dream right now, the one thing that would make my life full and satisfying, would be to find a woman who I truly “connect” with. That it feels so natural to wake up next to, to go thru every one of my days with, a woman I’d have no insecurities about, knowing we were together because we chose to be, and knowing we were going to be together all the tomorrows of our lives. No, I don’t expect, or even really want her to be exactly like me. I kinda like a feisty yet fun woman, one who has a mind of her own. One who has definite likes and dislikes, is ok when we’re together or when we do things alone that maybe the other doesn’t enjoy. One who isn’t afraid to voice her wants, her desires, her likes or dislikes, her opinions. One who gives me a different perspective on things than just my own.
In that search these last 7 years of singleness after two failed marriages, if you took the sample of women I’ve gotten to know in many ways, and extrapolated that out as if it was representative of all the available single female population around my age, 99.8% would have been physically, sexually, or emotionally/verbally abused, and 98% would have lost themselves, merging their thoughts, needs, and lives into those of the kids, but more usually their grandkids. Living vicariously thru them? Maybe. Hiding? Very possibly. Avoiding the pain, the deepest emotional pain many have suffered? Yes. In this world of labels and acronyms, could refer to it as the gramma complex, to look at it as if directed "at" the women. or the grandpa complex, to refer to the man's loss of attention from a woman, victim of the abusiveness in the world today.
I’m not one of those abusive men, not one who has ever struck a woman, nor verbally or emotionally battered or harangued God's greatest gift to man. Never have been, and I don’t ever see myself changing in such a sick way. It has been an eye-opening last 7 years, and I’ve had to scramble to read everything I could on abuse – the nature of it, the cycles it goes thru, the escapes, the fallout, the results on people’s lives. I’ve learned more about codependency in the last 2 or 3 years than in the entire previous 50 years. And thru all of this, have uncovered some issues in my own life, and have found a love and appreciation so much deeper for women than ever before. Learning to really let God deal with me, turning my issues over to him, and realizing only he could remove the venom of these things from my life has mellowed me more than anything in my life.
I can’t imagine how so many men could abuse so many women, the women they’re supposed to love and cherish. It escapes me, blows me away, the massive scale this damage has occurred on.
I can understand why so many women, grandmothers now, really do meld their lives into their grandkids'. I hate that that happens, and wish I could find a woman who didn’t feel like that was what they really wanted. I’m guessing its fear that keeps them shielded, hidden.
In the meantime, loneliness has grown to be a daily companion. Hopes of finding a woman to truly share my life with and me hers, they’re still very much there, as is the wondering if that’s even in the realm of reality any more in this screwed up time we live in. I keep going back to the knowledge that thru God, anything is possible.
Today, had a new realization, or question, arise. Where are all the single men in my age range? What do the others do for companionship? What have they found in their search for one to love and share a life with? Is it similar, or totally different, than my experiences? Maybe there should be a support group, for men who find themselves discarded and single after 50, or 40. kinda sad, how men don’t form the kinds of friendships women do, a network that can keep one going when he gets down and discouraged and loses hope. A bunch of guys to go bowling with, golf with, have a beer with, whatever one’s interests are.
Life can be really hard sometimes. Lonely. Distant. I miss the good times, the laughter, the fun times. I'm sad. sad that so many women have suffered as they have, needlessly. sad, that so many men have failed to see what they could have had, but instead destroyed. sad, that because of other's shortsidedness and insensitivity, that I lose.
What's humility?
It's not being one serving sacrificingly to others, a poor beaten down, walked on martyr. Humility is seeing ourselves as God sees us. He created us perfectly. But we get to where we get in life, not on our own, but like the turtle on the fencepost, we got where we are only with help from others.
It's being honest with ourselves, realizing we all have our compensating balances - good points about ourselves, balanced by areas we're not so strong in. yes, we ALL have these balances, none excluded that I've found.
Humility is realizing God gave us the skills we have, and being thankful for them and using them, knowing we did nothing to deserve those skills. And if we seek God's help, we can even build on these strengths and increase them.
Humility is realizing we are no better, no worse, than anyone else.
Love is.....
Love is a verb. an action, an intentional act.Ever notice in the Bible, it tells men to love their wives as Christ loved the church, but only requires women to respect their husbands? those two can surely work together well, and love will grow there within the family, if based on Christian principles.
Neighbors - rednecks, old Fords, dogs
Well, guess we can't go thru a buffet line of neighbors, and pick ones with the qualities we'd like to see in them, so guess we learn to live with the ones we end up with as best we can.
Got some new neighbors on the northwest of me. House had been vacant for 9 months or so, actually had been enjoying the quiet. Prior owners had 3 kids, then the wife's sister got out of jail and moved in with her 2 kids and 3 dogs, so was a tad chaotic at times.
Now the new guys have moved in. He came over before they moved in, and seemed like a pretty down to earth good ole redneck kinda guy. Redneck has turned out to be an understatement. Complete with an old red/white Ford pickup with exhaust pipes straight up behind the cab, a young bloodhound, pit bull, and 16-yr old son with a Camaro with pipes like a WWII B-17 bomber and speakers that'll boom ya right outta bed when he drives up. The guy gets square in the gas in his old Ford p/u the other morning at 4:20am as he heads to work, bout blows me outta my bed from a deep sleep. Wonder if he understands shotgun shells?
What do you guys think of pit bull dogs? To cut to the chase, my opinion is if they were extinct, would be 100% ok with me. Only good or safe pit bull is a dead one. I really don't care for the risk to my guests, especially my two young naive grandkids.
I have an 11 1/2 year old Australian Shepherd who's been with me his whole life, best dog in the world, and I would kill anything that bothered him, 2 legged or 4.On the other hand, the young bloodhound is a gangly puppy, maybe a year old. I can't help but smile when he lumbers up, nuzzles my hand with his mouth, ready to play. I walk sometimes at night around the perimeter of my property, for exercise and for thinking, and he just kinda invited himself to accompany me. He's just funny, all long legs and tail, stopping every now and then to bump my hand and get petted.
Got some new neighbors on the northwest of me. House had been vacant for 9 months or so, actually had been enjoying the quiet. Prior owners had 3 kids, then the wife's sister got out of jail and moved in with her 2 kids and 3 dogs, so was a tad chaotic at times.
Now the new guys have moved in. He came over before they moved in, and seemed like a pretty down to earth good ole redneck kinda guy. Redneck has turned out to be an understatement. Complete with an old red/white Ford pickup with exhaust pipes straight up behind the cab, a young bloodhound, pit bull, and 16-yr old son with a Camaro with pipes like a WWII B-17 bomber and speakers that'll boom ya right outta bed when he drives up. The guy gets square in the gas in his old Ford p/u the other morning at 4:20am as he heads to work, bout blows me outta my bed from a deep sleep. Wonder if he understands shotgun shells?
What do you guys think of pit bull dogs? To cut to the chase, my opinion is if they were extinct, would be 100% ok with me. Only good or safe pit bull is a dead one. I really don't care for the risk to my guests, especially my two young naive grandkids.
I have an 11 1/2 year old Australian Shepherd who's been with me his whole life, best dog in the world, and I would kill anything that bothered him, 2 legged or 4.On the other hand, the young bloodhound is a gangly puppy, maybe a year old. I can't help but smile when he lumbers up, nuzzles my hand with his mouth, ready to play. I walk sometimes at night around the perimeter of my property, for exercise and for thinking, and he just kinda invited himself to accompany me. He's just funny, all long legs and tail, stopping every now and then to bump my hand and get petted.
long, lonely desert
Another girlfriend lost, best friend, confidant, lover, long-awaited lifetime companion. Another relationship, down in flames. This woman I saw so much in, wanted to share my life with in every way, wanted to enjoy her from now on.
Is there a phoenix?
I once thought this woman would be her, would resurrect herself and pull herself out of the quagmire of codependency, but now....I realize its just not to be, not with me. Hopefully, for her, one day will be a day of freedom and independence.
the long, dry journey continues, one foot following the next....hope still on the horizons
Is there a phoenix?
I once thought this woman would be her, would resurrect herself and pull herself out of the quagmire of codependency, but now....I realize its just not to be, not with me. Hopefully, for her, one day will be a day of freedom and independence.
the long, dry journey continues, one foot following the next....hope still on the horizons
Older, wiser, but not done....
Ever feel like your skills and abilities have been totally overlooked, and that it's too late to do anything about it? I got to feeling that way today. Took a motivational gifts test at www.gifttest.org, found my 2 primary gifts have a lot to do with being able to see things clearly, see the big picture, and to get the job done, among other things. I say that so that you will know I am really being very objective with what I say below, not being conceited or anything. I am very hard on myself and evaluate my skills and abilities for exactly what they are.
I did great in school, and even aced some of the hardest courses in college, so I know I have the mental ability. I've been fascinated with management, have even gotten to do some of it. Mostly love it from the motivational aspects, of helping people see so much more in themselves, realizing more of their potential than they might have seen. To me, that's exciting, to see someone achieve goals they never thought they could. I've only been given one shot at managing others, which is really discouraging. Have always given 100%+ in whatever jobs I've had. But at this point in my life, it feels like a total waste. I'm not dead and gone by any means, but in the work world, I feel pretty much like it.
I see others getting ahead, and am glad for them, but it's kinda depressing, watching it. I know I think faster than many, am a ton more productive, effective, and efficient than most, but seem to be totally mired down in quicksand, sinking slowly but surely.On a different side, I also have skills in several other areas, but to make a living at any of them, well, without the funds to invest, would be really difficult if not impossible, to do them on a scale large enough to support myself. Seems the only way I will ever get ahead is to pursue a business of some kind of my own, where my only limitations are those I put on myself. I love the freedom to create, experiment, test, until success is found. I am normally a very optimistic person, but it's getting harder and harder to hang onto that as time goes on.
yep, kind of a bummer day, I guess. figure we all have them sometimes. today is mine.
I did great in school, and even aced some of the hardest courses in college, so I know I have the mental ability. I've been fascinated with management, have even gotten to do some of it. Mostly love it from the motivational aspects, of helping people see so much more in themselves, realizing more of their potential than they might have seen. To me, that's exciting, to see someone achieve goals they never thought they could. I've only been given one shot at managing others, which is really discouraging. Have always given 100%+ in whatever jobs I've had. But at this point in my life, it feels like a total waste. I'm not dead and gone by any means, but in the work world, I feel pretty much like it.
I see others getting ahead, and am glad for them, but it's kinda depressing, watching it. I know I think faster than many, am a ton more productive, effective, and efficient than most, but seem to be totally mired down in quicksand, sinking slowly but surely.On a different side, I also have skills in several other areas, but to make a living at any of them, well, without the funds to invest, would be really difficult if not impossible, to do them on a scale large enough to support myself. Seems the only way I will ever get ahead is to pursue a business of some kind of my own, where my only limitations are those I put on myself. I love the freedom to create, experiment, test, until success is found. I am normally a very optimistic person, but it's getting harder and harder to hang onto that as time goes on.
yep, kind of a bummer day, I guess. figure we all have them sometimes. today is mine.
What happened to the good old days when.....
Ever notice how much stress, frustration, anger, malevolence there is in the world today, and how rare a smile can be?
Ever notice how quickly others respond to a lighthearted statement, comment, subtle humor, in a totally defensive way, mis-interpreting and twisting it into a personal attack against them, often unleashing an offensive attack of their own, instead of seeing it for what it is, something meant in fun, something that should bring a smile....?
Where did fun go? Joy? Lightheartedness?
What happened to not sweating the small stuff, and accepting that most everything is small stuff?
Ever notice how quickly others respond to a lighthearted statement, comment, subtle humor, in a totally defensive way, mis-interpreting and twisting it into a personal attack against them, often unleashing an offensive attack of their own, instead of seeing it for what it is, something meant in fun, something that should bring a smile....?
Where did fun go? Joy? Lightheartedness?
What happened to not sweating the small stuff, and accepting that most everything is small stuff?
Just do it...........Right
Have you ever noticed how most every time in an issue where a decision is required, doing the right thing is always the hardest thing to do? There are usually shortcuts that could be taken, or other less strenuous means of resolving an issue quickly. Fixes that we know are only temporary, short term at best. But to do what we really know, deep down, is the right thing to do invariably requires more effort, more time (thus more patience), and more thought.
The kicker is, from my experiences, that doing the right thing is also always the most rewarding route to take. It pays dividends from the time you do the right thing and on and on. You don’t have to worry about applying the right fix to something done half-way in the past if you do the right thing up front. There are no laws against doing the right thing. If you do the right thing, you’re done with the issue. Doing the right thing is a foundation for long term inner peace and happiness. It means not worrying if something you did less than right is going to break down at some unknown point in the future.
The kicker is, from my experiences, that doing the right thing is also always the most rewarding route to take. It pays dividends from the time you do the right thing and on and on. You don’t have to worry about applying the right fix to something done half-way in the past if you do the right thing up front. There are no laws against doing the right thing. If you do the right thing, you’re done with the issue. Doing the right thing is a foundation for long term inner peace and happiness. It means not worrying if something you did less than right is going to break down at some unknown point in the future.
Hammer and Chisel
Amazing, how throughout life, the learning never stops, the changing. I feel like God shapes and molds us as we move thru life, strengthening this, knocking off rough edges there, opening our eyes to an ever-greater understanding, until we're fit for his service.
Even after all these years, in some things there are still so many rough edges.The result of the rough edges is hurt feelings when I pounce, as my brother so accurately put it, instead of being supportive and understanding, which is what the other needed. Is that the hardest lesson in life - to learn to at least pause before you speak, pause before you react, to think before sticking your foot in your mouth? Sure seems to be difficult for me. I'm glad God doesn't give up on us. I know if we had projects as difficult as I am, I'd sure be ready to give up in frustration. What is it the Bible says...in our weaknesses He is made strong? Ain't that the truth!
I've seen the difference, too, held my tongue when it would have been so easy to respond and "pounce". The feeling when I did was that, yes, this is the right way, the better way, I am showing this person love in the way I should. It's a matter of respect, and caring, giving them the floor to voice their thoughts and feelings, explain their side to me and help me understand them better. Yes, this is when growing really takes place, when we can discipline "the flesh" and love someone else. It sure opens the door to deepening a relationship, increasing the intimacy and trust.
I hope he doesn't give up on me. When I remarry, I truly want to be all I can for the woman I love.
Even after all these years, in some things there are still so many rough edges.The result of the rough edges is hurt feelings when I pounce, as my brother so accurately put it, instead of being supportive and understanding, which is what the other needed. Is that the hardest lesson in life - to learn to at least pause before you speak, pause before you react, to think before sticking your foot in your mouth? Sure seems to be difficult for me. I'm glad God doesn't give up on us. I know if we had projects as difficult as I am, I'd sure be ready to give up in frustration. What is it the Bible says...in our weaknesses He is made strong? Ain't that the truth!
I've seen the difference, too, held my tongue when it would have been so easy to respond and "pounce". The feeling when I did was that, yes, this is the right way, the better way, I am showing this person love in the way I should. It's a matter of respect, and caring, giving them the floor to voice their thoughts and feelings, explain their side to me and help me understand them better. Yes, this is when growing really takes place, when we can discipline "the flesh" and love someone else. It sure opens the door to deepening a relationship, increasing the intimacy and trust.
I hope he doesn't give up on me. When I remarry, I truly want to be all I can for the woman I love.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
