The things we do to feel….

As I’ve written on this and other blogs, it’s been a real struggle in developing good, healthy, give and take relationships with women who have been victimized by a man’s abuse, whether verbal/emotional, physical, or sexual. The wounds in their tender hearts are deep, and painful. No longer feeling worthy, or important, or even respectable or lovable, I’m sure they are grasping for anything that will heal this wound to the soul. Sometimes kids, more usually the grandkids can provide it even better, the unconditional love these battered women can find is the only thing that gives them reason to go on. Must be so easy to be absorbed in that, immersed in the loving salve of the grandkids, and to lose one’s self. Away from the deepest pain in her heart. Its not hard to understand, any more, why this happens.

The message in church today opened my eyes to a lot of things. One, that it was out of my own pain of failed relationships, deepest hurt a human can feel….and out of a misguided understanding of God’s word, that I’ve destroyed two relationships now, ended any chance they might have had to develop, for the healing to take place in both of us. I thought I was right in how I handled things, for the most part, or more that I was justified in standing firm in the ways I did, but I was sadly wrong. God showed me, that my actions were from selfishness. Yes, selfish in wanting to feel needed, wanting to know I could be loved, wanted to get past the pain, and yes, selfish enough to want to manipulate things to gain those things. I gained a glimpse into two women’s beautiful, gentle hearts, enough that both made me sit back in awe that God had created something so wonderful, so deeply amazing and wonderful as these loving hearts. And we all lost, lost it all. Lost the chance to gain something God had opened the door to, because of my stupid actions. Lost relationships that could have been the deepest, the richest, the fullest. But lost.

God, please continue to tear down the walls inside my heart, open my understanding and give me wisdom, so that I never, ever, hurt another woman like that again. Help me to love and appreciate them the way that you do, and to let them be the women you made them to be.