forced

Ever notice how much trying to be someone you're not, do what you think others expect of you, or just not really being yourself in so many ways, can just flat wear you out emotionally?

Life, all by itself, can both re-fill and drain your emotional gas tank.  The day to day challenges, highs and lows, successes and failures, all can use energy.

Wonder why it seems most people aren't really just being themselves?  They find one behavior that seems to get them some "payoff", as Dr. Phil would say, so they incorporate it into themselves, like duct-taping some part on that just wasn't meant to fit or be there.  After a while, it becomes baggage.

I've found that dealing with those with relational issues, like co-dependency, poor self esteem, etc., well, there just is no solution.  I would imagine even professionals in the psychology and psychiatric fields have a really hard time effecting change without it sapping their emotional energy.  For me, I just found I could not change them.  Usually could not even get them to accept or acknowledge my way of seeing things as an alternative.  So I found I could either continue banging my head against that brick wall, or just keep my mouth shut and look the other way when the perverted behaviors were taking place.  I guess I could pray for them, or me.  for them to see my side for a change, or for me to see theirs better or see another solution maybe I/we hadn't thought of.

Life....not for the weak of heart...

Boy, sometimes it feels like one can't win for losing. That pendulum in life swings both ways, sometimes things come easy, blessings abound, and life is good. then it swings the other way, and the weight on one's shoulders, aka mind, can be overwhelming.

At a time when finding a routine, and blending a family into a family is most important, so many other things are squeezed in that sometimes everything gets lost in the melee, and it gets really hard to tell which way is up. If it was just 'small stuff', that would be one thing. Throw in all those small things, and add a healthy heaping of emotions, loss of a steady income, the climb to get a new business off the ground and profitable to replace that lost income, drop in emergency surgery and weeks where one's body doesn't have a clue what's going on. Sprinkle in the rollercoaster ride that raising a 16-year old is, compounded by very differing views on how to prepare her for life after high school, and the result can put any tornado or hurricane to shame. Emotions spike, nerves wear down and get raw, get mentally worn out, and its a recipe for fireworks and reacting to things normally we wouldn't, saying things that just come out wrong and hurt others, cutting to the heart sometimes.

yeah, the pendulum is on the opposite side of where it's been for me the last few years, and its not fun right now. and the only real relief is to know, and let, God have it, knowing he and only he can take care of the things we can't. So much that's going on right now, I can't do anything about. A helpless feeling, for sure. And a very lonely one. But hopeful.